The Turtles Come To Play
by zman1289
Summary: CH 10: Guest written by FunktasticMe--In this insane crossover with the Ninja Turtles, the parodied group has an unusual moment of clarity in which they act strangely like themselves. R&R!
1. The Madness Begins

A/N: This is rated PG, no one in this story belongs to me except me. Yes, I put myself in the story, and if you're wondering my name is Z-man. This is my first fanfic so please be understanding about it. Though any advice or criticism is highly welcome, just don't make fun of my story without giving advice. Please review as if I don't get any positive feedbacks about the story I'll stop writing it. -zman1289  
  
The Turtles Come To Play  
  
The Turtles are comfortably sitting around in their sewer doing their own thing until Leonardo comes running up holding a note in his hand. "Guys, that stupid rat just sent us a note."  
  
Don quite disturbed by Leo's comment about calling their master a rat scolded him and stole the note. "Dear Turtles, I'm sorry I can not tell you this in person but I found a really nice landfill I just had to visit. I'm sending you to a place known as Middle Earth to help out some stupid Fellowship, I guess their just not pulling their weight down their so it's your job to turn the tide of the war. So get your asses moving now! Sincerely, Splinter."  
  
Mike sounding distressed blurted out, "I bet its Shredder trying to trick us!"  
  
"Mike, Shredder has been dead for five years! God, get over it." Raphael replied while rolling his eyes.  
  
"Raphael, why must you tear down every thing I say? Sometimes I think you don't care about me anymore!"  
  
Mike runs out of the room leaving everyone bewildered about what just happened. "Man he makes it sound like we're lovers or something." Leo and Don give Raph a queer look for his comment before heading out to get ready for the long ride to Middle Earth.  
  
"Gimli doesn't approve of you guys always making fun of me! Why don't you pick on Sam for once, he's short, fat, and ugly!" Whined Gimli.  
  
"Hey that's not true, I'm not short I'm just height challenged!" Snapped back Sam.  
  
Aragorn of course has to calm everyone down, and try to rationalize the situation. "People please, we are trying to work together not tear each other apart. Gimli, you're not ugly you're just stupid. And Sam, you're not short you're just gay. Everyone happy?"  
  
"Yes!" Was the reply in unison.  
  
As night fell they crowded around a bond fire and began telling stories of past battles and experiences. Gimli was next in line and the Fellowship prepared themselves for another one of his stories about past cakes he'd eaten. "Oh, I remember one time when I was walking through Rohan and'-  
  
Legolas quickly asked a question to try to keep from having to listen to another story about cakes. "Wait a minute, when have you ever been to Rohan?"  
  
Gimli grew angry for asking such a stupid question in the middle of one of his cake stories. "I was there on private business that doesn't concern you Elf!"  
  
"What, the case of who ate your chocolate bar?" Legolas smirked slyly at his comeback.  
  
Gimli rambled on, "Shut up and let Gimli the incredibly hot dwarf finish his story about the cake he stole from an old ladies house!" So as Gimli rambled on the Fellowship drifted off to sleep until dawn broke.  
  
A/N: Sorry for it being so short, but as I said at the beginning, if no one likes it then this story gets junked. I don't want to waste time writing it, if no one likes it. So please review! 


	2. The Beginning of a Long Road

A/N: I know this is a bit short but I have school and all so you'll just have to put up with it. Thanks for the reviews, but I still need more to build my confidence up to finish the story.  
  
"Everybody ready?" Leo asked.  
  
"Of course we are." Don commented. "We're turtles Leo we're always ready remember? Now where's that damn pizza I ordered an hour ago?" Don proceeded to look around the room until he caught out the corner of his eye a trail of pizza crumbs leading to Mike's stomach. "Why the hell did you eat my pizza Mike? It clearly had my name labeled on it, I told the pizza boy to do that. God, I can't leave you alone with one of my pizza's for five minutes can I?"  
  
"Now calm down Don." Mike rationalized, trying to sound mature. "It's not what it looks like, Raph ate it. I tried to stop him, but he overpowered me. He thus continued to toss all the crumbs on me and leave a trail to my chair. It was all Raph, right Leo?"  
  
Leonardo trying to avoid the chance of being pulled into this mess just walked out of the room. "Why the hell would I want to eat your crappy pizza?" Raph was steaming at this point. "It's got anchovies on it and you know I'm allergic to those things!"  
  
Mike was still confident his story would hold up and continued to spit out lie after lie. "Well Raph told me if I gave him the pizza and said I did it he would give me a special present later."  
  
Raphael was really getting unnerved now. "Damn it, for the last time Mike I am not gay! I don't care how hard you wish, but it's not going to happen." Raph stormed out of the room followed by a confused Donatello.  
  
Mike just sat there smiling until Leo came in and told them they had to get going. And so the journey of the Turtles was about to begin.  
  
It was dawn and the fellowship was beginning to awake, but one of them could not sleep that night, for something more powerful came over him. "I remember when I walked into this bakery and saw this lovely three storied chocolate cake that I just couldn't resist." The fellowship just stared at Gimli and sighed. Knowing that he had been awake throughout the night rambling on about his cakes. "I went over and asked the old woman how much the cake cost and she told me it wasn't for sale. So I through a pie in her face, took the cake, and ran out the door faster than you could say Sam is gay."  
  
Frodo was getting quite tired with all this and couldn't help himself but to just ask if they could say they were going out to find some food, then abandon Gimli in the forest and let nature take it's course. But as usual Aragorn advised against it, even though Gimli smelled like dog shit. So which way to Rohan and Gandalf? Pippen asked.  
  
Aragorn looked around and then replied. "How the fuck should I know you little runt, I'm just a ranger here.  
  
But before they could get into an argument they heard a mysterious voice coming from the outskirts of the forest. "Don't forget to bring a towel." It said. Gandalf they all thought, so they went to investigate the eerie voice that was coming from the forest. "I am the almighty one Z-man, I will lead you to where ever you need to go. For I am the chosen one who prophesizes the coming of the four saviors of Middle Earth, the one who will lead you to glory!"  
  
Aragorn became disheartened. "It's just some maniac guys, let's get a move on. Nothing to see here." A giant fireball flew past Aragorn's shoulder; he could feel the heat of it. "My mistake almighty one come right along with us, we got no problem with you joining us. Right guys?" The group nodded in agreement and they set off for Rohan.  
  
Z-man couldn't stop throwing up, as the stench of Gimli was so horrific that his stomach couldn't hold down his manly breakfast. "Guys Gimli is really starting to make me nauseous, can't we just dump him in the woods some where?"  
  
Legolas just smirked and replied. "You're not the first one to dream of doing that."  
  
"Shut up you lousy Elf, I don't need you're witty remarks! I'll have you know that this stench is found to be very sexy for the ladies, and I can't help but look my best for when I'm looking to get lucky." The dwarf triumphantly swung his ax around until Legolas whispered to Aragorn.  
  
"He must mean the orcs, for one of those cross breeding sessions they always have." Aragorn just nodded in agreement, and everyone had a laugh at Gimli's expense.  
  
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A/N: So what do you think? Please review my story! The next chapter will be up Saturday afternoon! 


	3. Darkness is Lurking

Jojo the Orc timidly entered his masters dwelling. "Lord Sauron sir, we have received word that a presence has just entered the land from the north. The great wizard Saraman has sent his spies out to find it, but it should be a few hours until we receive word from him."

Lord Sauron stared on into the night sky, as that was pretty much all he could do granted he was a giant eye. Though somewhere in him he felt some strange feeling he'd never felt before. "No, call off the spies. I will find them myself, ready my gear and find me a Nazgul to ride. I ride in the morning!"

Jojo just looked at him as if he'd just finished doing crack. "Sir you're a giant eye you can't ride out, you'd just burn up anything you touched."

"Well you don't have to rub it in Jojo, I'm well aware of my handicap." Sauron felt a ping of pain in his heart, if he ever had one, so he continued. "Ready my cloak and retro colored pimp hat with the cute little feather in it, now!" Jojo hastily brought him his stuff though he knew what would happen. He proceeded to place the cape and hat on him, and it instantly evaporated. "Did you not hear me Jojo, I said bring me my gear!"

Jojo just gave him yet another baffled look and replied. "But sir I did, it just evaporated instantly on you, honestly it wasn't my fault."

"Silence!" Sauron yelled, he then turned his glare onto him preparing to evaporate the worthless orc into tonight's dinner. "I will not tolerate these deceitful lies of yours, bring me my things, and why you're at it why don't you just admit you incinerated my goldfish and ate his carcass. Admit it damn it, I need closure! And where is my Nazgul!"

Jojo didn't want to lose another nice Nazgul for no damn reason, but he had no choice. It was him or the Nazgul. "Right over here sir, would you like me to mount you on him?" Sauron just nodded in reply. So Jojo set to work mounting him on the Nazgul without burning himself. He did it but almost immediately the Nazgul yelped in pain and running jumped off the tower. It spiraled down on fire and hit the ground, it was dead immediately. "Don't feel too bad sir, it's not your fault it didn't like you. You have a great magnetic personality that any man would want to be around. Trust me, I know from experience."

Sauron just looked aggravated. "Stop trying to suck up to me Jojo, it's not working. Now leave, I want to be alone with my thoughts right now." Jojo tried to object but Sauron just waived him off and sent him out. You could see a tear roll down his fiery eye as he stared off into space knowing that he may never walk around in human form ever again.

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Aragorn slowly looked at his surroundings trying to make out the route to Rohan. "We are close, we must head North." 

Z-man sensed that the Turtles were near, he must have them meet before they get to Rohan. "We must head west Aragorn, Rohan is west of here. Follow me, I will lead us to Rohan.

Aragorn grew angry and began to draw his sword, but Z-man drew a fireball in his hand and he thought to himself that it wasn't worth kicking his ass and put his sword away. So they were off, they headed east through the plains until they reached a point that Z-man told them to build camp while he went out to scope the land. 

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Z-man could hear voices coming from the near distance. "Damn it, we're lost!"

"No we're not, you're never lost. Just temporarily misguided."

"You and your stupid jokes man, why don't you cram it and let someone else drive for a change huh?"

Z-man listened in to the conversation not knowing who was speaking. He then realized that no one can kick his ass, he's like the new age god of Middle Earth. "Hello?" He called. "Who is it who walks so noisily in the forest where I dwell?" He then waited for an answer, but got nothing but dead silence. It was eerie, he could no longer hear whoever was talking. And the forest was strangely quiet.

"What was that?" A voice asked.

Another replied. "I don't know, let's check it out though. Nothing can overpower the four Turtles strength. Unity is the power to wisdom. Let's go."

The five slowly approached each other until they were just a tree about. The forest rattled with the sounds of screams ringing through the place. They stared into the each other's eyes as they slowly drew their weapons. And then…….

A/N: Like Chapter 3? Well you better review the story if you want to see what happens next. Or I might decide not to finish it. 


	4. All You Need Is Love

A/N: Where are my reviews! Come on people I know you're reading my story. Review it damn it. Plus I changed the rating to PG-13 for reasons you will see later. Enjoy the chapter!  
  
"Sir?" Jojo timidly asked standing at the doorway to his master's domain. "Can I come in? I have a present for you?"  
  
"Go away!" Sauron yelled, he was obviously pouting. "I don't want to talk to anyone right now! Just leave me be."  
  
Jojo just smiled as he brought in Sauron's present to make him feel better. It was another female flaming eye. "Here you go master! Your present, we built it with the spare parts we had laying around the place."  
  
Sauron just looked at it, and turned his head to the sky mumbling. "God I can't wait to eat that orc next month at my coming out party. They taste like chicken."  
  
"What was that sir?" Jojo asked.  
  
"Nothing." Sauron replied. "Nothing at all, I just said that I'm really proud of you guys for being able to build this giant thing without my help. It proves your loyalty to me. Now go Jojo I have things to plot." Jojo walked out of the room and Sauron stared at the fiery eye that his disgusting friend had brought him. For a moment he actually felt as if he may not be alone after all. But he snapped out of it quickly realizing that it was just a stupid magic trick that Saraman had performed to cheer his master. The orc must have taken credit for it. "Do you talk he asked his new colleague?" He asked.  
  
It replied. "Of course I do silly. Do you think Saraman would have left out the most important part of my job?"  
  
"What is your job?" He asked it.  
  
"To make you feel like a man." It replied in a strange voice.  
  
Sauron knew that it was coming on to him so he quickly tried to change the subject. "So ah, how bout them Vikings?" He croaked out nervously, but the girl just kept staring at him. He could not resist her beauty he had to have her.. And this is the part where I probably cut out as it 'gets a little blue' from here.  
  
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"I'll show you mine if you show me yours." Legolas whispered to Aragorn in the bushes. He nodded, and you could hear a couple of pairs of pants unzip. "Wow." Legolas commented. "It's so small!"  
  
"Speak for yourself Leggy Boy!" Aragorn snapped back.  
  
Gimli was confused about what was going on back there so he decided to investigate. He slowly crept toward the bushes; he could hear their voices whispering back and forth about their things. He was almost to the bushes when he let go of a huge and very smelly fart. "Damn it! I ripped my pants again!"  
  
"Can't breath!" Legolas choked out, Aragorn just nodded as he was too dizzy to speak.  
  
"What the hell are you too doing back their?" Gimli asked. "It would seem that you two were comparing your Teletubbie undies."  
  
"So what if we are?" Aragorn stated with an attitude.  
  
"Well than you two are obviously having an affair. Aragorn what would Arwen think of all this?" Gimli asked.  
  
"We're not having an affair Gimli, God we were just comparing the size of the Teletubbie characters on our tighty whities. That's all!" But before Aragorn could finish explaining it all to Gimli they heard the screams, and went racing off to save the day.  
  
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"Guys, I'm am totally freaked out right now!" Don exclaimed.  
  
"Totally!" Added Mike.  
  
The turtles prepared to charge the unknown person when Z-man spoke out to them. "Stop I am Z-man, I was sent here to escort you to Rohan. Follow me."  
  
The turtles were really confused at this point, but they were lost anyway so they decided to follow him. "What about our car?" Leo asked.  
  
"My forest will watch over it until you return." Replied Z-man the magnificently good looking.  
  
So they went on their way back to the camp until they ran into the other three. "What the hell? Hat's going on, I'm really getting confused." Commented Legolas.  
  
"All will be explained tonight, now come there is much to do." Z-man quickly said and hurried on.  
  
So they all headed back to the camp that Gimli set up, as the other two were busy "comparing" their stuff. Z-man explained how the note they read was not from Splinter, but from Gandalf. Everyone was confused about how the Turtles got to Middle Earth. So Z-man carefully and slowly told them that when the Turtles reached the address that was given to them, Gandalf opened a portal that sucked them into Middle Earth. "Gandalf informed me of this so that I could rendezvous with them and take them to Rohan, and that is how I know so much." Z-man continued. "And that is why we must reach Rohan no later than tomorrow afternoon, so we must leave at dawn."  
  
"Well I think we need a little story to lighten the mood, I nominate myself." Gimli recommended.  
  
"Oh God no!" Screamed Aragorn. "We have exactly five minutes to retreat five hundred yards from the area before he starts his cake story! Run!" Everyone took off but Gimli, who stayed to tell his cake story to himself.  
  
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It was dawn and the Fellow ship had awoken. The Turtles were discussing Gimli's magnetic personality; there was something that they liked about him that they couldn't quite put their finger on. Aragorn was cooking breakfast, Legolas was bathing; wanting to try out his new shampoo he got in the mail yesterday, Z-man was preparing for the long hike to Rohan, and of course, Gimli was pestering Aragorn, wanting to know when the food would be done. "Breakfast is ready!" Aragorn announced.  
  
Gimli gasped and came running to grab a plate and dig in. He would've taken the whole thing for himself if Aragorn didn't hit him on the head with a spoon telling him to move along. "I'm not eating off of that spoon anymore." Commented Legolas, who was clearly disgusted with the spoon, and Gimli.  
  
"What are you talking about, the spoon is fine. See, I'll eat with it." Aragorn took one spoonful of gruel and his face turned green. He quickly ran to the shrubs and vomited it up. Legolas just smirked, knowing he was right again, as always.  
  
As soon as everyone was done eating and Gimli was done bathing, (The Fellowship insisted on it.) Z-man announced that they must move out. So they set out for Rohan, not knowing what types of danger they might encounter on the way there.  
  
A/N: So what do you think? Tell me, I accept anonymous reviews too, so you have no excuses not to review it. Please tell me what you think! 


	5. Suspicions

A/N: Thanks for the reviews everyone! I really appreciate your comments. Just a couple of notes, first off Legolas and Aragorn and not gay together! This is not a slash; some of you were confused about that. And secondly, Frodo and Sam are no longer in this story until the end. They went off to destroy the ring. So read on and enjoy the chapter, but don't forget to leave a review!  
  
Aragorn slowly walked with the others as they trudged on toward Rohan. He was pondering many things about what lay on the long road ahead. He wanted answers, and he wanted them soon. But for now he decided to bi his time, wait for the perfect moment.  
  
"Aragorn?" Legolas asked him. He jumped, drawing his sword and placing it at Legolas's throat. "Calm down, Merry was just wondering how much farther to Rohan."  
  
Aragorn just sighed, relieved. "A few more hours and we- Aragorn stopped suddenly when he heard rustling in the bushes in front of them. The fellowship slowly drew their weapons preparing to fight. Instantly a little bunny emerges and everyone relaxes a bit.  
  
"It's so cute!" Gimli couldn't resist picking him up and holding him in his arms. "Can I keep it guys? Please?" They all silently consulted about it in a huddle, and decided that if Gimli had a pet he might be too occupied taking care of it that he would stop telling his cake stories at night. Gimli did a little dwarf dance in the air for a while before he released he would have to name it. "I'll call you Fufu, the pet bunny!"  
  
The fellowship just rolled their eyes and reminded him that they had a long journey ahead of them. So they continued on down the road until Mike and Raph got in a fight, because Mike wouldn't stop touching him. "Leave me alone Mike!" Raph continued to blow a casket. "Just leave me alone, I'm not in the mood for your games! Can't you see the magnitude of the mission we're on!" They continued to fight until Leo broke them up and made them apologize. So yet another distraction was behind them.  
  
They continued on their journey until they could see Rohan in the distance. They all breathed a sigh of relief, but it was short lived as they were suddenly ambushed by a massive group of orcs. "Kill them all, spare no one!" You could hear one of the orcs yell.  
  
"Quickly, we must dispense of them!" Aragorn yelled as he charged the enemy.  
  
Legolas quickly jumped up on a high rock and started firing arrows at nearby orcs. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5."  
  
Gimli seeing an opportunity to out show the Elf handed his cute little furry bunny to Pippen, and started chopping down orcs. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10."  
  
The battle raged on as the turtles were kicking some serious ass. Though Mike was finding it quite difficult to dispatch anyone with his nun chucks. Gimli continued to count out loud all his kills. "29, 30, 31, 32."  
  
"61, 62, 63, 64." Legolas continued.  
  
"Damn it! I'd get that many kills too if I just stood on a stupid rock firing pussy arrows at people!" Gimli got so infuriated that he threw his ax at Legolas but missing horribly he just cursed in his native tongue. Fortunately the fighting had died down by now with the last few orcs being dispatched. And except for some bumps and bruises, they were all fine. So they had finally made it to Rohan.  
  
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Sir?" Jojo asked as he entered his master's lair. "Are you in?" He found Sauron in his usual place, as he's a giant eye and can't go anywhere. He was right next to the fiery eye he and the others had made with Saraman's help. "Bad news, the attack failed."  
  
"Well it doesn't come as a surprise to me." Sauron continued. "These stupid orcs couldn't kill anything if it was standing right in front of him and weighed five thousand pounds, which as you know would take up a lot of room." Jojo just fake coughed as to remind him that he's an orc. "Yes, I didn't forget that you're an orc yourself. But you're not a fighting orc, just a personal assistant of mine. And nay I remind you that that is the best job there possibly can be."  
  
"I now sir, I haven't forgotten." He replied automatically.  
  
"Now we have but one choice, to must destroy Minas Tirith! Prepare the troops, and sound the battle horn!" Sauron roared.  
  
Jojo just sighed and replied. "Sir, we don't have a battle horn."  
  
"Well sound something then!" Sauron waited impatiently as Jojo the orc sounded the dark whistle. Unfortunately no one but the two of them could actually hear it. "We march at dawn in three days!" The stage was set, and the pieces were beginning to move.  
  
A/N: Short chapter I know, but the next one will be longer. Please review my story so I at least know someone appreciates my work, good or bad appreciation. Just review it and the next chapter will be up by Saturday. 


	6. The Craziness Continues!

A/N: What do I have to do to get a review around here people? Come on! I know you're reading this. Why are you all so afraid to leave my a review? It's not like it takes much will power. But I'm going to stop demanding for some reviews, as if you read this story and do not leave a review, then you have to live with a guilty conscience that you read a story and didn't leave feedback about it!  
  
Jojo was doing the laundry when the intercom came on, it was Sauron. "Jojo get up here right now! My coffee is too damn hot go and get me a new one! And where is that replacement pimp hat and cloak you ordered for me a week ago!"  
  
Jojo was getting tired of being pushed around all the time, but he knew he couldn't do anything about it. If he were to voice his opinion he would be vaporized in a heartbeat. So he decided to go along with him for the time being. "I'll be right there sir, hold on."  
  
Jojo paced himself getting the coffee; he had just finished making a cup of the best stuff Middle Earth had to offer when suddenly Sauron's voice came from the intercom again. "Where the hell is my coffee, damn it!"  
  
Jojo was startled and dropped the cup on the ground shattering it to pieces. "Damn you Sauron! Now it's going to take twenty minutes to clean this mess up and get you another cup!"  
  
Sauron was heard again from the intercom. "You've got ten."  
  
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They had finally made it to Rohan, now they could get some well-deserved rest. Or so they thought. "I am going to have a word with King Theoden." Aragorn continued. "The rest of you are free to do as you please for the time being, but stay out of trouble."  
  
Gimli's eyes shot open at the sound of anything. "I think I will check out the local bakery." He glanced at everyone very slowly making sure no one suspected anything.  
  
"Follow him." Aragorn whispered to Legolas, he just nodded and went off towards the bakery with Gimli.  
  
Merry and Pippen went off to find a bed to get extra shut eye, while the Turtles and Z-man just kind of sat around and talked. "So, what are you a wizard?" Asked Don.  
  
Z-man was obviously annoyed by the question, and he knew he wouldn't get any time to sleep. "I said I was in the forest, or don't you have a short term memory?"  
  
Don looked shocked to see Z-man so agitated by a simple question. "I just wanted to learn more about you guys and your customs." Z-man sighed admitting defeat, indicating he would answer any questions he might have. "So do you guys have pizza here or what? Cause I am starving!"  
  
"Pizza?" A confused Z-man asked. "What is this pizza you speak of?"  
  
The Turtles looked shocked. "No pizza!" Mike yelled. "Then what am I going to eat while I'm watching T.V.?"  
  
This just confused Z-man even more. "You people speak of some strange things, are these inventions of your time?"  
  
Leo took charge from here on out. "Why yes, we are what you would call technically advanced. We've created millions of useful devices that you people could only dream of."  
  
Z-man just got a crazy idea. "Could you make this stuff you call pizza for me?"  
  
The Turtles just grinned and nodded at each other. "Mike, you get the breading needed. Raph, get the toppings. Don come with me, we'll find an oven to cook it in." So they all set out to get the things needed to make the pizza.  
  
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Legolas looked on as Gimli admired all the pretty cakes in the window. "Oh, I like that one. How much for it?"  
  
"It's not for sale, it's for my daughter's wedding." She replied.  
  
Gimli just stared blankly for a while. "I see."  
  
Gimli started to lick his chops, and was about to bite into it when Legolas barked at him. "Don't even think about it! Aragorn said to stay out of trouble!"  
  
"Screw Aragorn." Came the reply. Gimli thus grabbed the cake, ran out the door stumbling, as Legolas tried to stop him but just ended up grabbing smelly shoe. He then fainted from nausea. Gimli kept running while taking huge chops out of the cake, huffing and puffing while the old lady chased her. She eventually gave up and Gimli finished the cake, but he wanted more. So he thought of an evil scheme that would get him all the cakes he could eat. "Yessss my preciousssss.  
  
A/N: Want to read more? Then review! Sorry though for the shortness, but a much longer chapter will be up tomorrow, promise! 


	7. Guide to Bartering

A/N: Thanks for the reviews, as I always like to get feedback on my stories. But also any suggestions are very appreciated too, and I would try to fit them into my story. Otherwise, on with chapter 7!  
  
"Hey Z-man?" Don asked. "What do you guys use to cook stuff in?"  
  
"How should I know, I'm just a wizard. I eat what's in the forest." Came the reply.  
  
"Well, from my colonial books I always read, digging holes in the ground was always pretty popular."  
  
Leo just couldn't stand it when Donatello tried to sound all smart with his colonial books, he could read those silly old things any day. "Well Don, start digging. Everyone else take five." So Leo and Z-man lulled around waiting for the others to return while Don dug the whole.  
  
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Raph was having a hard time trying to find any toppings that didn't contain fish. He was horribly allergic to that stuff. "Let's see here. Man Middle Earth is so damn primitive!" Raph got a lot of evil glares from people who were nearby at the time of his cursing. "What? You are! Man, I guess I'll have to make some of my own pepperoni from scratch. Hmmm, what makes up pepperonis? If I cut it into syllables it would contains peppers and onis. Which could be onions! And of course you have to have the meat part of it, which by my guess would be pig intestines. Well that should do it; I'll just buy all this with the good old barter system. Hello, all take all these things." Raph pointed to all his ingredients.  
  
"That will be ten dollars." The clerk responded.  
  
Raph thought about this for a moment and started using his great bartering skills. "You give me my stuff, and I give you a chicken and three bits of string." The clerk pointed to a sign saying they would not accept bits of string. "Ok, the chicken then."  
  
"Deal!" Came the response.  
  
Raph took his ingredients and was about to leave when the clerk asked for his chicken. "Ummm, it's over there in that pen." He pointed to a butcher shop with a displayed chicken in front of it. So he had his things and headed back to the others.  
  
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Mike was in the bakery were Gimli had just taken off with a cake, and Legolas sat in the corner trying to catch his breath after a foul run-in with the dwarfs shoe. He was discussing matters of the bread with the old lady. "Totally dude, I need some bread for the pizza me and my friends are making."  
  
"What kind of bread do you need? We have of seventy different kinds." She asked.  
  
Mike pondered this for a while before responding. "You got pizza bread?" She shook her head and told him they had nothing even close to that. Mike just stood there for a while; he was trying to remember that bread Raph was always talking about. "I've got it! Do you have some wheat bread?" Mike asked not knowing if he had pronounced it right.  
  
"Why yes we do, how much do you need?" Said the kind old lady.  
  
"Ummm, better make it a pound to be on the safe sound."  
  
So the old lady wrapped up a pound of wheat bread for the odd looking gentlemen and handed it to him. "That will be five dollars please."  
  
Mike looked worried; he had no money on him. So he did the only thing he knows how to do in this situation, run! That turtle ran faster than a bat out of hell. And because Mike was three times faster than Gimli, the old lady didn't even make an attempt to catch him. So he was well on his way back to his little dwelling on the outskirts of the city.  
  
********************************************  
  
Jojo was in Sauron's room cleaning the place up while Sauron was making out with his lady friend. "Do you have to do that damn cleaning now? As you can see, I'm kind of busy here!" Jojo just ignored him and kept cleaning even though he couldn't help but feel a bit hurt by his master's words. But he knew he didn't mean it. "Did you hear what I said? Or are you deaf?" Jojo continued to ignore him, hoping that he would just leave him be. But Sauron decided to start making fun of him until he left. "Hey shrimp, you missed a spot." Silence. "Did you hear me? I said you missed a spot! Clean it up!"  
  
Jojo couldn't help it anymore; he was really starting to get agitated. "Where Sauron? Where did I miss a spot?"  
  
"Right there." Sauron pointed to a spot on the wall where he had just cleaned a couple of minutes ago.  
  
"I don't see anything there. It's perfectly clean." Jojo remarked in a rather rude sounding tone.  
  
"Look closer, shrimp." Sauron spit on the wall. "Now get to work and clean it up!"  
  
Jojo just sighed and obeyed, would his master ever understand how he really felt? He just wanted to have him understand that he's a person too, and that he has feelings.  
  
A/N: So what did you think? Review the story and tell me, and I'll try to update as soon as possible. 


	8. The Master Chefs

A/N: Doesn't anyone ever review anymore? If you people don't start reviewing my story, then I will kill off Legolas! And yes if you're wondering, I'm 100% serious people! Now on with the story!  
  
"Does everyone have their supplies they were supposed to get?" Leo asked the group. They all nodded and set out to work building the pizza.  
  
"Like the bread I got? I remember Raph would always talk about this stuff." Mike commented.  
  
"That's because I'm allergic to that stuff, dumb ass! And why the hell did you get a whole pound of that crap?" Came Raph's sassy reply.  
  
Mike thought for a minute, trying to figure out a witty remark that would show Raph up. "I thought we were going to make a big pizza."  
  
Everyone just rolled their eyes and sighed, as they got back to work. Raph was having a tough time getting all his ingredients to fit together in a small circular shape. So he decided to settle for square shaped ones instead.  
  
Meanwhile, Mike was kneading and spreading out the dough preparing it. But he found it very difficult with his stubby fingers, and without butter. "Damn you freaking dough! Get in the small pan we brought, now!" He blew his top, and started attacking Raph. Shoving the dough in his face.  
  
"Help me!" Came the muffled plea for help.  
  
They calmed him down and continued constructing it, until they were ready to bake it in the ground. Leonardo got a crazy idea. "Hey this would take forever to cook in the ground, couldn't you just use your wizard powers and shoot a fireball at it?" Don's eye started twitching.  
  
"I could." Z-man went on. "But it would probably burn it to a crisp."  
  
Do it anyway." Came the reply from Leo. Now Don was really getting miffed, he had spent all day digging that damn hole and now they weren't even going to use it? He was beginning to really twitch badly.  
  
He couldn't take it anymore! He was going to kill someone! "You mean I spent all day digging that hole, and now you're not even going to use it? You've to be kidding me! I just wasted an entire day where I could have been sitting around enjoying myself! You owe me twenty four hours of my life Leonardo, and I want them back!"  
  
Donatello charged Leo trying to kill him, but Leonardo refused to fight. He decided to use his words instead. "Calm down Don, you have to look on the bright side, at least you got some good exercise. And pizza!  
  
Leo signaled Z-man to flame the pizza, and immediately afterwards a giant flame rose up and an explosion followed. They all were thrown back into other houses, or barns. "Did I ever tell you that I hate you?" Came the question from Donatello.  
  
***************************************  
  
They all met up at their camp again and stared at their flaming pizza. Mike picked up a piece and took a bite out of it. "Wow, that's some great pizza!"  
  
Everyone looked skeptically at each other then picked up apiece taking a bite out of it. "It tastes like shit!" Raph exclaimed.  
  
"The "pepperoni" tastes like dog shit!" Leo said while looking disgusted.  
  
"I think I'm going to puke!" Don yelled out while running around trying to find a suitable place to vomit.  
  
Z-man seemed to enjoy it though. He ate half the thing, and all the turtles just looked on in amazement wondering how any man could eat that and enjoy it. "Wow this pizza is great, you turtles must be master chefs back in your world! Even with the limited supplies you're able to pull off one of the greatest things I've ever tasted! Thank you!" Though they did have much time to ponder why he liked it so much, as Aragorn was approaching with Gandalf.  
  
Aragorn walked before them and simply said. "There is much to do, we must hurry."  
  
A/N: Sorry it was so short but I have been very busy, but I'll have a longer chapter up later so please review. And look for my other story that I'm currently working on, "The Blooming Truth." So have a nice week, and don't forget to leave a review. 


	9. Jojo Gets A Date, Or The Mutilation

A/N: Just to let you know, chapter 10 and 11 of this story will not be written by me. I'm taking a break from writing to let some hopefully, very competent friends write it for me. Though I will resume my work on chapter 12.  
  
Jojo wandered through the great halls as he tried to collect his thoughts. "Why does Sauron hate me so much? What did I do to anger him so much? And why can't I get a date?" As he pondered this he accidentally ran right into another orc. It was the most people orc he had ever seen. "I'm so sorry, I didn't see you there. Please, let me help you with your books." Jojo bent down and helped her pick up her books.  
  
"Thank you." She said, pushing her glasses back up to the top of her nose. "But I need to get going, thanks though."  
  
After that she started to walk away when Jojo gathered up all his courage and decided to try and score a date. "So what are you doing tonight?"  
  
She turned around surprised that he had asked such a personal question. "Nothing much, just sitting around my apartment. Why do you ask?"  
  
Jojo took a deep breath and popped the question. "Would you like to go out tonight.with me.  
  
"You're asking me out on a date?" She asked a bit confused. He just nodded. "Sure, I'd love to." And so it happened, Jojo got his first date.  
  
**********************************  
  
Gandalf slowly explained to everyone about Pippen's vision of the upcoming battle at Minas Tirith. "I must ride there to talk with Denethor, and I'm taking Pippen with me. I will return, until then, I bid you farewell." Gandalf then went off to prepare himself to leave.  
  
"Well." Gimli started. "I think I'm going to spend some quality time with my bunny Fufu, where is he anyway?" He looked around at everyone, but no one could look him in the eyes. "Aragorn! Where is my bunny!"  
  
He just started fidgeting, and then blurted out. "Legolas did it!"  
  
"You traitor!" Legolas had been caught. "You all went along with it! Besides, you can't blame me; you ate all our food last night. We had to eat something."  
  
Gimli had a horrified look on his face. "You ate my bunny! LEGOLAS! Damn you to hell! No!" Gimli collapsed on the ground and then started crying his eyes out. "I swear I'll get even with you if it kills me Legolas. I'll get you."  
  
A/N: Yes I know it's horribly short. But I'm on vacation so learn to deal with it! FunktasticMe, don't forget to add that one rider into the story. Well, that's that! Enjoy the week, because I know I will! 


	10. A Moment of Clarity

A/N: Welcome everyone who has been enjoying this fic. My name is FunktasticMe. You may know me from such stories as The Fab Five Do Middle Earth or The Adventures of Bobby 'the insane' Baggins. Most likely you do not, but that's ok. I've been granted the opportunity to guest write this chapter. In doing so, I have tried to stay true to the author's intent. Working with great restraint I have come up with the following chapter which I title: A Moment of Clarity. Please enjoy.

**A Moment of Clarity**

            "So, I guess we aren't chasing the hobbits anymore," commented Donatello as the large group had gathered around a fire and listened to the nighttime music of crickets (Middle Earth crickets, that is) Being in Rohan, with no money for an apartment, had forced them back to their wilderness roots.

            "No, apparently not. I must say, being the leader and all, I'm a bit confused as to our purpose here," said Aragorn thoughtfully as he puffed on his pipe.

            "Yeah, like exactly what are we supposed to be doing here anyway?" asked an irritated Ralph. 

"That's what I'd like to know. Why would Gandalf send four large talking turtles to Middle Earth?" asked Legolas. 

"You were expecting, like, the Adam's Family?" asked Mike as he and the other turtles laughed at the joke only they could understand. Legolas just looked annoyed. "I want some answers," he said suddenly rising. 

The group fixed a sharp glare on Z-man, who was pretending to be asleep. Z-man looked uncomfortable. Mike coughed. Finally the silence was too much for the boy. He sighed, throwing off his covers.

            "All right, crybabies, what's the problem?" he asked. Z-man thought to himself. _Damn!_ He shouldn't have given them that weed to smoke. Since they were normally in parody mode, the peace pipe had a strange effect on them. It was making them all act in character! This was not good.

Where was the group to begin. There was so much that needed explaining. "I can't seem to figure it out. One moment we're racing across the lands in pursuit of the hobbits and the next thing we know, Gandalf is riding away with one of them and we're just left in the middle of nowhere doing who knows what," said a frustrated elf.

"Like don't have a cow, man," urged Mike, putting a hand on his shoulder.

"How could I possibly have a cow? That doesn't make any sense. None of you ninja turtles make sense," Legolas protested, brushing the hand away from him. Legolas, after all, knew all about Mike and Ralph. Mike just sighed, rolling his eyes.

"Ok, I can explain everything for your feeble minds."

"Please do, master Z-boy," urged Aragon.

"Z-_MAN!_ That's Z-_man_. Anyways, Gandalf had to take away Pippin because he kept making passes at Merry and the display was making Treebeard, who's rather a traditional old tree, very uncomfortable."

"You mean the hobbits are alive?!" cried Gimli with excitement.

"Shut up, Dwarf! I'm trying to tell a story. You really are stupid," declared Z-man.

"No I'm not. I'm just ugly-I mean-Oh these counfounded parody writers!"

"But it was said before that he looked into a magic seeing stone and saw a great destruction at Minas Tirith," corrected Leo.

 "Gandalf had to say that because if he told you the truth as I just did, you all might feel emboldened and give in to the obvious slashy overtones that have been present since the beginning of this piece."

"Overtones which I am just as distressed about as Gandalf," said Ralph looking with disgust at a Mike who was giving him another dreamy look. Ralph quickly handed him more weed to smoke.

"The hobbits were lucky to escape when they did. Who knows what would have happened to them," commented Legolas. He paused for a moment and continued, "This may seem strange, but why do I seem to recall an embarrassing display at a bakery shop?"

"My mind is filled with strange happenings as well," said Aragorn solemnly. "It's like I have been in a deep sleep and have just awoken," he said taking another puff of the pipeweed. "I dread to think what has become of Frodo and the Ring. Z-man, what new can you give us of them?"

"I'm not that kind of a wizard," Z-man replied.

"Right," Aragorn's eyes narrowed. "Exactly what kind of a wizard are you?" 

"I think that pipeweed is going to your head. You are not yourselves. Dispose of it!" replied the young wizard. The group made no move. Using a power unknown to the group, Z-man made all the weed disappear in the blink of his eyes.

"We must lead the Rohirrum to Minas Tirith; tomorrow at first light," Z-man announced to them.

The group pondered his words and, without the effects of the weed, they slowly realized Z-man's wisdom and nodded their understanding. 

"Oh, well now that makes perfect sense," spoke Leonardo.

"Yes, I can see the wisdom in that," agreed Legolas.

Z-man smiled, satisfied, as it appeared the effects of the weed were departing with great rapidity. 

"Man, that weed sure gave me the munchies. Anyone got some pizza?" asked Mike.

"Just don't expect me to dig another hole," said Donatello pointedly.

"Enough of this pizza talk!" yelled Gimli. "It's all you ever talk about!"

"Oh, and cakes is a better topic!" 

"How dare you question my cake-lore!" cried the dwarf raising his ax.

Leonardo pulled at his swords ready to protect his friend.

"Oh, I'm so scared now," mocked the dwarf. "You don't even know how to use those things."

"What are you talking about? I'm a master swordsman."

"Hah! I haven't seen you cut a single thing with them this whole time."

"That's because he's a G-rated character," interrupted Z-man. "Now I'll have no more of this. Everyone get some sleep or I'll launch a fireball on your asses."

"I suppose I can relax," said Mike. "Gimli just doesn't understand me like you, Ralph."

"Oh for the love of--!" muttered Ralph as he rolled over to sleep away from the offending turtle.

"Legolas, my friend, did I ever tell you about the time I ate the cake of a dwarven cake-master?"

"Well, yes. Several times actually."

"There I was, surrounded by dainty dishes of all sorts, when my eyes fell upon the most-"

"I miss Gandalf," whispered Legolas, but quickly looked timid as Z-man gave him a menacing look.

In the calmness of the night, Z-man smiled. The moment of clarity had ended.


	11. Queer Encounters

A/N: Don't worry everyone; FunktasticMe's rein of terror is over! I hope...Anyway; I'm back to finish this story once and for all! So sit back, grab a bowl of popcorn, and let er' rip! (If you know what I mean...)  
  
It was day now, and Rohan's men were now riding toward Minas Tirith. A heavy gloom lay over the men, as they wondered if maybe they were too late. Sauron's forces were already on the move; there was no telling how long they had before his forces struck. Legolas had always thought of it as a chess game, and it seemed as though the pieces were beginning to move. He didn't have much time to ponder this as he was constantly getting hounded by one of the soldiers. "So you're that elf prince from Mirkwood right? The big famous one who got his ass kicked while he was with the Fellowship?"  
  
Legolas just grew annoyed; he had heard rumors from some of the other men that he was gay. So he wasn't sure if he was hitting on him, or just trying to piss him off. So he decided to try and find out. "So what's your name young man?  
  
The man grew excited, he didn't thing that Legolas would actually pay attention to him. Now he could turn on the charm. "The name's Talk, Lavis Talk." Lavis raised one of his eyebrows thinking that it would impress him like it did with those girls in that bond movie he saw last week.  
  
Legolas shivered at the sight, nothing could gross him out more right now. He now knew that Lavis was indeed trying to make a move on him.  
  
But of course that wasn't the only gay thing going on at that moment. Just a few yards away Raphael and Leonardo were discussing their "relationship." "Why won't you talk to me Raph? Don't you love me?"  
  
Raphael was really pissed off, he could see out of the corner of his eyes that the other soldiers were snickering at them. "Can't you just get it through your head that I'm not gay, and that I never will be! God you're like a woman, stop being so clingy. Just leave me alone!"  
  
Mike was hurt, but he would never give up! He was one determined turtle, and if the Fab Five have taught him anything, it's that people can change for the better. Soon, he thought, soon I shall have him...  
  
Also Aragorn, Z-Man, Gimli (even though he smelled), Don, Leo, and some of the other soldiers started playing strip poker. Of course, in the end Z-Man won with the help of some of his card changing magic. He set a new record with 26 straight royal flushes. Leaving everyone in their boxer shorts freezing to death, except of course for Gimli, who everyone agreed on that he couldn't take off any of his clothes, because he smelled, and was ugly.  
  
A/N: Sorry for the short chapter, but I need to get back into the groove of things with my writing. Seeing how it's been an extremely long time since my last update. So forgive me, for I will have a longer chapter up by the end of the week. But if you don't review then you might not get to see what happens on Jojo's first date ever! And wouldn't that be a shame? 


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